The last week has being quite draining for me mentally and emotionally, it has signaled another important change in the way I look towards life, I just realized that I was having a high BP problem which had started effecting me mentally, making me feel weak both physically and emotionally. This Sunday on 22nd July I was speaking to an escalation call of a customer, who was some big shot, doing phone bashing for his problem not getting solved, I could not figure out why I was drowning in a pool of depression on that call, just thinking that
I have being through high stress situations before many times, both at work and personal life, which never were left a deep impact in my mind the way something’s have happened in last week’s time.
I would probably not be able to put the reasons behind it online on my blog, the way my whole life has being as I see it, I have already had gone through a troubled childhood with lot of emotional up’s and down’s, somehow standing up to my fate, making way for my selves.
It was my mistake that I felt that fate is now happy on me, but my fate had other plans for me… it’s that feeling that I am going through where u have a someone to walk with but it’s just their shadows that walk with you, being surrounded with lot’s of people but still feel that loneliness around you, a web of relations that may spread that warmth in ur life, but finally they leave you cold from within.
A flowing river in spring that has being suddenly stalled in a depressive winter, frozen…. It’s again my inner self that has come to my rescue... telling me… move on… making me feel that i should let people close to me free, not expecting the same warmth of affection and love in return… if my affection and love for them is true…it would be enough to pull them back in my life. This was a similar feeling of anxiety which struck me once, and now again… the only difference being it struck for good reasons earlier but now for wrong reasons… that feeling of skipping your heart beat.
Since I am a big fan of star wars flick, I always feel when I am surrounded in depression, I feel “The Dark Force” (as quoted in the movie for devil’s call from within) getting stronger on me, which I believe has the power to turn my character upside down, revealing unknown side of me which I fear the most.
There is another psycho maniac personality whom I am finding difficult to handle, don’t know when I would blow up the lid on that person, I can take shit and nonsense to some extent knowing that every person is entitled to behave the way he or she wants, since we have a set of our core nature which cannot be altered in spite of any number of changes we make in our external behaviour, however if someone tries to nag me and irritate me every alternate moment I may probably spit out my rage or move away from the scene, somehow I feel I would have to chose the second one.